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An Overdue Visit

Posted on Wed Feb 28th, 2018 @ 11:46pm by Lieutenant Commander Yara Blackwater

Mission: Earth
Location: Michigan; Earth
Timeline: MD14 14:45hrs

There had been only one other time that she had come to this place, a little over three years ago when she had stood quietly among the crowd of mourners watching the man she had lived with and relied on for four years being lowered into his grave; something completely archaic, a waste of space and resources, but his family had been adamant. They had been together for so long, but she was just another face in the crowd - "coworker" from his last assignment and nothing more. After everything that happened, after all they had been through, she would never be anything more.

It was these thoughts that ran through Yara's head as she trudged her way through the mud and fall-colored leaves on the ground, her hands in her pockets and her breath turning white on the frigid Michigan air. It was not often someone in her position was allowed an actual goodbye, so here she was here struggling through the mud and leaves trying to remember where he was buried. She walked up to the statue she remembered being nearby the site looked down around again. She could have sworn it had shifted position from last time she had seen it, but she knew she was wrong and her forgetting was simply a product of her not having come to visit as often as she should. There was no doubt it was the same statue, the left thumb was broken off and one of the ears was chipped. Pausing and sighing softly to herself, she grabbed her bearings and headed down the small slope toward where she approximately remembered the gathering of people in black on a cool spring morning.

Yara didn't take too long to find him, a little wandering back and forth and down the slope a bit more until she finally caught the name "RUHL" barely peeking out from under a coating of leaves. She just stood there for a long moment, considering the flat marker covered in leaves. It seemed well tended to, it was clean aside from what the breeze had brought on it; his family must have visited often enough. He had always spoken highly of them and how he had wanted her to meet them. Kneeling down in front of it, she brushed the leaves away with a surprisingly gentle touch. She pulled off her jacket and set it behind her on the cool, damp ground so she could sit back cross-legged.

"I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner..." She said quietly into the air. There was no barb to her voice, no hard edge, no sarcasm or bite of any kind. It was quiet, kind, remorseful. "I don't really have a good excuse for it. I've been busy isn't good enough especially when it wasn't that long ago I was actually stationed on Earth for a while... so I'm sorry." She shifted a bit where she sat and took a deep breath, lifting her head and looking around. "I don't know where to start or what to say. You know I am not good at this, you were always the talker." Pausing, Yara waited for a response that would never come. "I guess... well, it's been an interesting few years. I've been on three ships and worked at the aerospace program all in the span of just under four years. Not sure how that looks for my career, but I've had two incompetent captains and one... well, he was somewhat incompetent but he was new to the job and seemed willing to learn. He was killed before he could get the chance though."

Yara tilted her head back to look up at the grey, cloud filled sky. "Maybe I made a mistake by following his orders in the moment, maybe I could have done something, but something told me to just go and get the people I was there with to safety." Pausing, she looked down again, "I found his body when I went back. It looked like it happened quick at the very least so a small favor to him. Then I took over the ship I'm assigned to because the XO is an asshat; still assigned to the ship of course because he's an asshat with connections. Met the new CO, he doesn't seem terribly interesting or irritating... someone also decided to make me a lieutenant commander."

Shifting again, she reached out to trace the letters of his name. "I've also made a friend... which really sound stupid when I say it out loud like that - makes me sound like I'm five but whatever. The point is we've gotten pretty close over the years. He's a really good person, like you... and like you much better than I deserve even as a friend. Lately though I've been getting the feeling he might be interested in more but I just..." She drifted off into a sigh, "I still just can't seem to let go of you and even if I could, would I really deserve anything like that in my life again after everything we did? Everything we left behind?"

Her expression clouded then, a rare, sorrowful frown gracing her features. "I... I haven't gone back. I know I promised I would and I'm sorry. I just don't know how I can do it without you. I told you when we found out that I wouldn't be any good at it and now I am just... I'm just too damaged and it wouldn't be fair. Maybe someday I will, I hope I have it in me to do it just so I can at least explain what happened. Explain why we didn't come back for-" Her voice caught and she closed her eyes, reaching up to wipe away the tears that had drifted down her cheeks. "I really do miss you. I'll never understand why you did what you did; I understand what could have caused it I just thought we had promised to work through it together. But you left me here and I didn't know what to do. I still don't know what to do. I feel like I can't get close to anyone again because what if they leave me too? I couldn't take it. I'm barely coping with you being gone and it's been over three years." She shook her head, "But I am so tired of fighting, I'm tired of being angry all the time and it is such an effort to keep people away. You'd think my personality would do that on its own but I guess it just leads people to want to fix me."

Pausing, Yara's lips tilted up in a sad, self-loathing smirk. "Maybe I'll just join you sometime - when I get too tired of all of this; when I get too tired of being defiant of my father and Starfleet and anyone else who doubts my ability. It isn't like I have anything to lose." She shifted to stand and picked up her coat. "I'm leaving tomorrow, heading back out on assignment and I'm not sure when I'll be back. I'm sorry, I miss you; goodbye, Jarrod." Casting one more glance at the silent stone marker, Yara turned and walked away to prepare for the Valkyrie's departure in the morning.


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